The Land of Nein

Ok, so I like my creature comforts. Who the hell doesn’t? But the next time someone says people from New York are mean, nasty, unaccommodating or inhospitable, I will knock them on their ass.

Most of you who read this, know that I have moved from New York to Zurich, Switzerland. I have just completed my first two weeks as a Swiss citizen. The image of Switzerland that I always had was one of a peaceful, friendly and eager to please type of place. Uhhm...no.

I want to recount snippets of conversations I’ve had with various people, “service” workers, immigration officials or anyone sitting behind a desk, food counter, etc. Some of these have been embellished of course, but not by much.

The format of this is me asking the initial question, with the aforementioned Swiss personnel giving the answer (in bold).

Excuse me. Do you have Splenda or Equal?
Nein.

Hey, do you carry any softball equipment in this huge-ass sporting goods store?
Nein. Would you like a badminton paddle?

Sir, may I have mustard for my stadium style pretzel?
It’s for Bratwurst only.
Can I please have some for this pretzel?
Nein. One Swiss Franc extra!

Ummmm, weather? We’re supposed to have (coed) softball practice, where I will be able to shag some fly balls, take some B.P. and meet other Americans. Can you not rain today?
The forecast calls for Nein!

Excuse me, are there any Asian girls here?
Nein Asian Frau

Hey, can you wash and press this shirt?
Yes
How much?
CHF 5 ($4.75 for you non-comp nincompoops)

I was wondering if any of these satellite dishes carried US Television?
Only UK, France, Sweden, Findland, Norway, Spain Turkey and the former Yugoslavian Republics.
So no?
Yes, that’s correct. Nein to the U.S.

Sir, my Blackberry doesn’t seem to work. Can you give me a sim-card to fix it?
Is that a 8703e?
Yes.
Then the answer for you is plainly and simply, Nein.

Hey it’s Sunday, can I do laundry today?
Yes you can.
Really?
If you do you, you are either a sinner or a Jew.
I am a Jew.
Please leave the country.

Wow, ten giant stacks of different free newspapers outside every train station. Are any in English?
Ten Times Nein = Nein

Hey, I’m stuck in this overly engineered automated revolving door again. Can you help me?
Give me your ID card please and I shall release you.
I can’t, can't you see I'm pressed inside this coffin-sized glass prison and can’t pass it through, or even move my arms for that matter.
Hmmm... then that is a problem.

Ma’am, Is there a larger size coffee than this pixie cup?
Nein.
OK, how much is the pixie cup then?
Four Francs

The blinds are moving up and down in my office for absolutely no reason. Is there a way to stop it?
Yes. Press that button.
It’s not doing anything.
Oh, I supposed that needs to be fixed.

Excuse me, I have been here for 8 working days without the proper papers. Can I get a temporary work visa?
Nein.
What will be the ramifications if I stay?
The ramifications if you are caught are as follows: Your immediate supervisors will go to prison and you shall be deported, never being allowed to return.
Those are some ramification.
Yes. Indeed they are. But most effective.

I was wondering if it will get a little warmer here, maybe in May or June or perhaps July.
Nein. Maybe August.

Are either of the elevators in my office building working today?
Nein. Please walk up 5 flights of stairs.

This DVD will not play in this machine.
You must use these.
Are any of them in English?
Nein.
Subtitles in English?
Nein.

Is there a station out of these 50 that shows American Idol or Idol Wrap-up at least?
Swiss Idol Only.

Hello, help desk. I just walked in and my computer is totally without any power. Can you come up and fix it?
Yes, four hours.

Hey, at 1:30 am, after staying up very late, do you think I can watch the Met game on my computer, with it's stop and start, grainy, almost completely unwatchable picture on my tiny laptop, provided by the almost utterly useless MLB.com?
For now, yes...but we are working on a way to deprive you of that simple pleasure as well, Herr Zaitz

Excuse me sir, will I be able to keep my sanity for two years in Switzerland?
NEIN!!!!